Ch-ch-ch-changes

I don't like it when L travels and is gone for an amount of time. I really don't. Yes, missing her is part of it, but the other part is that often times, in the past, when she has come back from a trip it has knocked us back a couple of steps in terms of our D/s dynamics. When she is on her own, she takes on a lot of independence and she comes back with that independent spirit still with her, acting as a decision maker and being in control. And not being much of a submissive.

So with her being gone for 11 days, you can bet I had those concerns again. What would I have in my on my hands when she did return?

Well, as I thought, it turns out I am going to have a woman on my hands different than the one who left.

But not in the way I expected.

According to her, she is feeling more submissive than ever, and it is because of the time apart.

TEXT EXCHANGE BETWEEN S AND L ON JUNE 7:

L: This long trip did me some good.

S: With us?

L: Yup.

L: For me...finding my sub self even more.

We've talked a lot the last few days about how things are going to be different. How she is going to be even more submissive. How she WANTS to be even more submissive. More wearing of her collar. More kneeling before me. More doing the things that pleases me (read: Swallowing.).

On my hand, I want to be even more Dominant than I have been. More Masterly. Sterner. I have had some good news on my end with a new career presented to me that begins when pet gets back, and being a man of the male gender, having a career is part of how I define myself and gives me confidence. When I suffered career lost back in September, it did take a part of me away, part of what it means, in my mind, to be a man and good provider. The beginning of a new career is a testosterone shot of sorts for me.

However, it is going to make for a busy summer. I will be working my daytime career job and will be working evenings moonlighting as waiter at a local fine dining restaurant, which I have been doing for the last year, and will continue through the summer. Not what I expected to be doing at this point in my life by any means, especially as someone who used to have a high level executive job at the local university. Shit happens.  You adjust.

Anyway, it will be a busy summer with some long hours, and as I told L, I am not going to have a lot of patience for "uppity" behavior. I will have an expectation of rules that I set will be followed, guidelines that I establish to be followed, rituals that I require to happen. Deviance from them will not be tolerated.

Fortunately, we seem to be on the same page with that. She is looking to come back ready to please and serve me more than before, and as I have discovered as I have been somewhat lost the last 10 days, I need that...her..in my life...doing those things.

I want...need...to come home at the end of a very long day to find my lovely pet ready to kneel before me, collar on, ready, willing and eager to serve her Master in whatever way I dictate. I need that submission to erase the stress of the day, to set the universe in balance as it exists in my head.

 I, in turn, will provide her with that guidance that she wants and craves, will give her all of my love and caring, will do the things to her that I and only I know that she likes...the things that make her feel like a woman and take her to places she has never been.

p.s. Two more sleeps.

Wednesday memo to my pet

Four more sleeps until pet gets home and the craving continues and escalates.

Sent her the following email this morning.

P:

I sure do need you.

I need your laughter and smile, your sass and your submission, your love and your companionship.

I need to come home at the end of the night and open the door and have you there, waiting for me, dinner and drink on the table.

I need to wake up in the morning and have you lying there next to me.

I need all that it is that we do now. I need you kneeled before me, with you collar on, ready to serve me as the good pet that you are. I need to grab you by the collar and lead you up to the bed into your position. I need your ass presented before me as I bring out the toys..the cane...the flogger...my hand...and use them all repeatedly on you, your ass raising up to indicate you want more. I need to feel you wetness on my fingers...on my tongue.

I need you restrained and helpless. 

I need you ball gagged and noiseless.

I need your mouth and hands on my cock...the cock that you worship...sucking, stroking, my hand grabbing the back of your head as you take it all in.

I need to fuck you. I need that sensation of forcing my way inside of you, first with the head, and then with the rest. I need that sound of your breath taking away when I do get it all the way inside of you. I need to fuck you while I am on top of you, forcing your legs apart. I need to fuck you from behind, my leg raised up to I can get in so much deeper and more forceful. I need you on top of me, riding me, in that wonderful way that you do.

I need my hands all over you...grabbing your hair, squeezing your neck, twisting your nipples, rubbing your clit. Spanking your pussy. I need my mouth on all that is you and all that I own...deep, passionate kisses that we don't do enough of and we never want to end.

I need to bruise you. To leave bite marks on your ass. I need to leave you with sensations that you feel for days.

I need to coat you with my cum. With my piss. To mark my territory and claim you as my fucktoy..my personal slut and whore.

I need YOU.

--Your Loving Sir

Every time you go away...

..you take a piece of me with you.

I love that song. Hall and Oates, circa 1980. Later covered by Paul Young in 1985 and was used quite nicely in the movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles."

Pet has now been gone for seven sleeps, and will be gone for another five sleeps until we are together again. And when we do get back together, on Sunday, June 9, it will be for a brief amount of time. Because no sooner does she get back in town that I leave town early the next morning for a work related trip and will be gone for another week.

We just don't do that well without each other. Pet is on a family vacation and as is the case with any family vacation, there is stress, and pet's best way to deal with stress these days is with submission to be in bed. For me...I don't know. I don't sleep as well when she is gone. Bed's too big without you, as another great song goes, and as I told her today. The water that I pour for myself at night and the coffee I make for myself in the morning just doesn't taste as good as what L brings to me.

Pet, Kasey Kaseem is no longer with us, but nonetheless, here's your long distance dedication.

Proper Sendoff

L is getting ready to leave tomorrow to be out of town for 10 days on a family vacation. It will be the longest we have been apart for quite some time now, and the longest we have been apart since entering our D/s relationship.

10 days of no spanking…no hair pulling…no fucking…no sucking…no service. No each other…no falling asleep next to each other and waking up to each other.

Given all that, we wanted to make the most of this weekend, and I think we did a pretty damn good job. We managed to sneak away for some quiet time at my old house, which is located a little off the beaten path. More importantly…no children! I took some of the items from my box of tricks with us in a duffel bag, with an emphasis on using the ones that made the most noise.

We went up to my place on Sunday and again on Monday, and went up to my bedroom that is in a loft surrounded by windows, almost as if it was a greenhouse. Both days she was ordered to strip naked, and both days, for close to an hour, I worked over her entire body, almost mercilessly. For the most part, I stuck to my hand, as we rarely get to have an old fashioned hand on ass spanking because it is so damn loud, but here, in the middle of the woods, it didn’t matter, and I gave her one of my harder hand spankings yet. From there it went on to the wooden panel and the flogger, back to the hand, alternating between instruments, with time in between each one to rub her sore ass and to gently finger her soaking wet pussy. 

Sunday’s session ended with an honest to goodness POUNDING, with me holding L’s legs up while I slammed inside her hard, working her pussy like a pile driver, both of us being quite vocal in our orgasms when they hit us.

On Monday, we stepped outside on my balcony, and I had L bend over with her hands grasping the railing. We were both naked, and a gentle breeze was stirring around us. I worked her over on the balcony with my hand and then rubber her clit, causing her knees to buckle until she was almost quivering at my feet.

My place is nestled right in the trees, and leaning over the balcony was a branch that I peeled off while she was still bending over. I quickly shed the branch of its leaves, leaving me with a nasty looking spanking implement that I started to use on her. Turned out to be a damn effective one, leaving her with some welts almost immediately. From there she dropped to her knees and began sucking me off as I leaned back against the railing, raising my hips up to meet her mouth. There was also something so incredibly…sexy…about it, being outside, completely naked, doing TTWD in the fresh air.

That’s an exciting part of all of this, and one of the things I am thankful that I have an active imagination for, and that L is willing to trust me as I search for new ways for us to explore each other and to bring each other pleasure.

Back at our home, we ended the evening doing something that we had only done one other time in our D/s relationship but L knew I wanted to do again…a golden shower, which I wrote about here and here. Out of all of the many things we have done with each other sexually, this one is by far the most animalistic, an ultimate act of claiming ownership of L on my end, and on L’s side, the ultimate act of submission.  As we were preparing for bed, I ordered L to go take a shower, and once she was in the shower, water off, kneeled with her head down, I joined her, and began stroking the top of her head.

“Are you ready for this?” I asked her.

“Yes Sir,” she said.

“Do I own you pet?” I asked.

“Yes Sir,” she said.

The first stream went across her back, and then she raised her head, and a splash hit her right cheek and then I aimed down to soak her breasts. It was by no means an extensive shower, but it was enough for the symbolism that it created for the two of us. When L came to bed afterwards, I held her and told her how proud I was of her and gave her a body massage that led to my tongue between her legs, darting around her clit as I held her lips open, bringing her to an almost instantaneous orgasm.  The coup de grace was one more fuck, L grabbing my ass as I thrust inside her, her murmuring “Fuck me hard,” as I gave it to her and we both came hard, with tremendous satisfaction.

We have one more night…tonight…to spend before L leaves early in the morning, and as I write this, I am not sure of all that is going to happen other than we need one more session with the beloved cane. L’s ass has actually been sore the last few days, the result of some rather intensive session. She’s even managed to develop some nice looking bruises that we haven’t managed to create before.

Then she will be gone for 10 days, and we will exchange the text messages and emails over how much we miss each other. But there is one thing that is special about a long absence, and that one thing is known as “homecoming.”

The balcony will be waiting.

p.s. Oh yeah, we had a family barbeque this weekend also.  After all, we do have a vanilla reputation to maintain in Mayberry….

Questioning Normalcy

"What makes us normal is knowing that we are not normal." (Haruki Marukami, Norwegian Wood)

We have had some interesting and somewhat unsettling time in our household as of late. Ever since our magical anniversary trip, we had some turbulence in our relationship due to somewhat of a shift in power dynamics while we were gone. But L and I are excellent travelers, and whenever we have turbulence in our relationship, we always manage to find a way to buckle our seatbelts, listen closely to what our inner-pilots are telling us to do, fly through the storm, and get back on course to sunny skies. 

The world that we live in behind our closed and locked bedroom doors is where it all comes together. Always has been that way, actually, even before we immersed ourselves with a mighty cannonball jump into the D/s pool. That has even been moreso as of late. As I wrote in the last post, our spanking sessions are going on longer and longer. And L has been going deeper and deeper into the throes of subspace, and once she is there, the desire for...more of everything...is at its absolute strongest. 

Such was the case Sunday night where things started at around 11p.m. after the young one was tucked in bed. An ass was raised expectantly in the air, a cane was retrieved from the closet...and so the dance began. Spanking, caressing, spanking caressing...inspecting for wetness...repeat. From there, on to stroking, sucking. Fucking. Repeat.

11p.m. turned into midnight, and the minutes and activities continued to tick away from there. L was out of it, ready and wanting everything. I kept the situation under control and didn't get lost myself, being mindful of her needs but also realizing that at some point, things had to stop and she needed to come out of her zone and go to sleep so that Monday morning wasn't any torturous then it was. Around 1a.m., I brought things to a close. Said this was enough for the night.

She wanted more though.

But she wasn't in control.

And in the light of the day on Monday, she had a moment of weakness.

I had sent her a text and an email somewhat teasing her about how she was the night before, along the lines of being surprised at how far she was willing to go, saying that I wish I could videotape her sometime so she could see what I see when she gets into that subspace zone...and how much I really, really like it.

Unfortunately, my words had the wrong effect on her and made her feel like she was dirty...nasty...for reacting the way she did. That it was wrong.

That it wasn't normal.

Things got a little out of hand from there.

L started questioning everything about her submissiveness and the BDSM aspect of our relationship, saying that she didn't want to do this anymore, that she wanted to just be...normal. I tried everything I could to counsel her, to let her know how there is no reason to classify what we do as being normal or abnormal, it really doesn't matter...what matters is that it makes us happy, it is our true selves, it is happening between two consenting adults who love and trust each other...etc., etc. Found a couple of good blogs talking about the benefits of pain that I sent her.

But I wasn't able to get through.

We ended up having a quiet evening in bed, watching television together, talking about it somewhat but not that much. She was confused, and I wasn't sure how to get through to her. Our evening ended in a quite vanilla way, turning the tv off and wishing each other good night and going to sleep. Had we been in two separate beds, we would have been akin to a 1950s tv sitcom couple...

Yesterday morning picked right up and we had a talk about it before she went to work. "Pretty sure I could go forever without ever being spanked again," she said. Told me that I would get used to this change. But even as she said those things, I could tell that there was a part of her that was simply confused and that perhaps what she was saying wasn't how she truly felt.

Still, I felt like my world had been rocked. As her car pulled out of the driveway, I exasperatedly though to myself, "Well, now what in the fuck do I do?"

Because what she said I could get used to would be something that I really didn't think I could get used to.

Twenty minutes later she arrived at work and I got her "At work now Sir" text that she is required to give, which surprised me, because I didn't think that was going to happen anymore than I did the other things she is required to do on a daily basis. 

That text was followed by apologies and perhaps the most important message out of all of them, one saying "We do need this now more than ever. I'm sorry. I just need to accept who I am I guess."

We worked it out from there.

That evening's session was a fairly intense one, as you can imagine. After I put the youngest to bed, L was kneeling on the bedroom floor before me, her head down and her collar one. Apologizing profusely. I had already accepted her apology earlier in the day, and at one point she told me she deserved to be punished for her actions. I disagreed. She slipped, had a moment of weakness, and was honest about it. To punish her for being honest would simply be wrong.

However, the night before she did not text me before leaving work and did not have my glass of water at my bedside, so those matters were dealt with with her kneeling over the bed and me spanking her with a bamboo stick I purchased from Home Depot.

From there we moved on...to the sucking, the fucking, the hair pulling. You know...TTWD.

Things were....back to normal.

100 more

I haven't quite figured out how much spanking is enough with L. I don't think she knows when enough is enough.

She got home late last night, exhausted from her trip. I was exhausted as well having worked all day and not really slept the night before. We were in bed watching tv together, her head on my lap, while the boys were out in the living room. I then started kissing her and we had a make out session, and the next thing we knew I was extremely hard, and she was so very wet, and she started pleading and begging me to be inside of her. More than just begging, really. She was grabbing at my body, trying to position herself underneath me, raising her hips towards mine.

I wanted to wait until after the boys were in bed so we could have a spanking session first, but it had been two days (!) since we had sex, and I wanted her bad, and maybe doing so fell into the category of her topping from the bottom a little bit, but to hell with it...I wanted to fuck her.

And I did, gave her a good welcome home pounding with my hand firmly covering her mouth and after we both had very satisfying orgasms, L asked me if that was all we were going to do that night.

"I think so," I said. "We are both exhausted." Which we were.

Then the boys were in bed, the door was locked, and I had the cane in my hand...those things happen, as I realized it wouldn't be a proper homecoming without a spanking, and that L really, really needed a spanking to help her with the enormous amount of stress she was feeling.

So I spanked her, 100 times with the cane, thinking that 100 would be a good number, and as I rubbed her ass after that 100, she raised her ass in the air...and I knew that 100 was not enough.

So I gave her a 100 more, and she was in such need of it that she was literally pushing her ass into the cane at times, wanting to feel its lash across her cheeks. I stopped after that 100, rubbed and caressed her ass again...and then gave her a 100 more.

I don't know when enough is enough yet, both in terms of duration and force. We will figure it out though...100 strokes at a time.

Happy Mother's Day (reflections and thoughts)

It's Mothers Day, and I hope those of you out there who are Doms who have subs who are also mothers that you take the proper time to let them know how much they are appreciated. Having a woman in your life who fully submits to you is indeed a beautiful thing, but having that same woman also be a loving mother is even more beautiful...as is the case with my sub.

My own mother died when I was not quite two years old. My dad remarried a couple of years afterwards, but the woman who ended up being my wicked stepmother was not exactly a maternal and nurturing type, so I never grew up with someone who I would consider a motherly figure. They eventually divorced, and when my dad married again I was 17 and already heading out on my own.

I know really nothing about my mother. My father never really talked about her, aside for drunken evenings later in life when he would apologize for what he felt were bad mistakes he made to me as my father, and would add in how much I took after my mother. I never really knew what to say in those instances, but would try to take my dad's guilt away for him, to tell him that I knew that he was doing the best job he knew how to do, and I faulted him for nothing.

I sometimes wonder what kind of man I would be today had I had a mother figure in my life, not just through my formative years, but even later on, to have that person out there in the world so when times got rough I could pick up the phone and say "Mom, it's me, your son. I need your help."

I'm not sure where I am going with this posting, so bare with me. I tend to get very reflective on Mother's Day about these things. But I'm a reflective man in general, as L told me the other day when we were struggling with things, I am a man with feelings, perhaps more so than most men. I don't know if that is necessarily true so would amend that to say that I am a man with feelings more so than men she has known, who, in her own words, have been neanderthal types.

The fact that L is a mother is one of the things that draws me to her. She's a very good mother, and I see just how important she is to her three boys on a daily basis. And as she has told me, us entering a D/s relationship has made her an even better mother. Made her more patient and not prone to anger as she has before. I have seen that change, recognized it, noticed it in her. Then there is the fact that by being with me, she is happy. And a happy woman makes for a happy mom. I do believe it is this fact that eventually got her older son to come around to me and the idea of me being in their lives, that he saw that my presence was making his mom happy and that is what he, as her first born son, wanted for her.

I have not just taken on the responsibility of caring for L, but all that is a part of her life, and that includes her sons. You can read here L's account of what is happening in her life with their father, who is dying of a terminal illness. In fact, as I write this, she took her two youngest boys to visit him for his birthday. The lifelong journey that L and I are committing to does not just involve the two of us, and it does just not involved cuffs and floggers and canes in the bedroom, no siree bob, it is MUCH bigger than that. There are children, there are responsibilities, and I take it all very seriously.

It's an even bigger world than that. 3,200 miles away are my own two young children, who live with their mother that I have been divorced from for three years. I miss my children terribly. Terribly. I have yet to figure out a way to combine my world with L with my (disappearing) world with my boys, it is a complicated endeavor that I simply don't care to elaborate on right now. But I would like for that to happen. Someday soon.

Enough of that.

Thanks for listening and reading such a...normal...posting. Just thoughts and ideas in my head I wanted to get out there. L is fast asleep in another city, and...well, I can't call up mom and talk to her. You nice readers will have to do for now.

Save. Publish.

Good night.

And happy mother's day to all of the mom's out there. Thanks for all that you do.

p.s. Here's a picture of me and my mom.