So it seems that I have been tasked with another damn writing assignment….a rather broad one at that. I am supposed to write a reflection on how I see things for us right now, what it took to get here, how things are now and how I hope things go in the New Year (and it must be completed by noon). Well shit house mouse…..here you go. (If anyone wants to ask anything or throw out a subject for me, please do!)
You can’t reflect on the future without a visit to the past. Some that have been following our journey know that my past relationship was not good. And now after all that I have been through (classic abuser stuff…choking, clothes cutting, tires slashed, stalking) by the person who at one time had promised to love, honor and cherish me is dying. He has a terminal illness and it will not be much longer. I no longer have any feelings for him except sympathy….and very little of that. Despite all that, we are helping him. He is living near where he can get care 300 miles away and I have been travelling there, taking him to chemo and appointments, taking the children to see their dad, etc. Hell, we even did a motorhome trip when he first got diagnosed. S has been so understanding through it all. There have many moments where we stumbled and said some things we shouldn’t have. My ex of course has been trying to ruin things as much as possible for us. So that is the reason I keep leaving town and nothing has been normal in a long time.
The D/s aspect of our relationship has helped. It is not a cure all for our problems but it has helped keep us grounded and I know my place, what is expected of me and that I am cared for very much. Things right now are in a transitional phase for sure. S has moved his belongings slowly into my house many many times and then would have to erase all signs that he lived there when my ex would come here (he was just here for over two weeks at Christmas and holy was that hard on us all) or my ex would throw it all out while I was at work. Many times we have yo yo’ed back and forth. Should S wait to move until after he is gone? Eh, think not. I need him now more than ever and next to me always. If anything, being at the top of Shit Mountain has made us stronger, closer. Are we doing what is right? Do we care? I know I am doing what is right for me and my children and sleep soundly at night….that’s about all I know.
What it took to get here. We of course weren’t always D/s and I had no idea what it was all about really. I think it was a combination of a lot of things. We were honestly bumbling along like idiots for the most part. I had never had a normal relationship with a nice person really ever. Someone who actually took responsibility for his actions, opened car doors for me, etc. I said and did things that I truly regret and didn’t mean many times over. I also never had been with anyone who remembered shit. S remembers everything, good and bad…..and takes it to heart. I think at the very beginning it was to help our relationship (and spice things up in the bedroom for sure) but it has evolved into much more than that and is a huge part of who we are and what we do.
S is the best Master and will only get better over time. In his past relationship it was he who did everything. Taking care of the children and working. So he loves even the little things I do for him….like bringing him his coffee in the morning. It also helps immensely that my desire to please him (which is huge) is there and I absolutely hate disappointing him.
As for the New Year, who knows if we will continue to reside at the top of Shit Mountain. I for one hope not. As it is, I think we may be on our way down.