Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Balancing Act

Hard to believe it has been more than a month since the last posting to this blog. Especially when, once upon a time, when all of this was new, postings occurred on an almost daily basis. Not that my lack of postings is a rarity in the blogging world, when writers are at their most prolific in the beginning stages and tend to taper off after a certain amount of time. What started off as a flurry of keystrokes and wordsmithing goes to the way side when the next shiny object is seen in the peripheral vision.

There has been nothing shiny that has distracted me that has kept me from posting, rather, the issue has been not having much to post about.

When L and I got married more than six months, I predicted it would result in a shift in our relationship, which was true, I was just incorrect on the direction it would shift in.

What I thought would happen was that things would escalate, that having L as my wife and with my last name, would only intensify my feelings of owning her and Dominating her. Having a submissive girlfriend, and then fiancée, is one thing, but having a submissive wife? To me, in my mind, that would be the ultimate.

What happened was not that.

After we got married, over the course of the last six months, the D/s dynamics tapered off somewhat, to almost vanilla levels at times. Over the last month, for instance, I took away a couple of our rituals such as L having to kneel before me and asking for permission to sleep in my bed with me and the other making her wear her collar to bed (that one was more due to her developing a rash as a result of her collar, which I had placed on her on our wedding night). BDSM sessions in bed, once a nightly occurrence, went down to once a week. Sometimes even less. Other things didn’t change at all, such as her daily memos.

I’ve thought a lot about why things changed, because that is what I do. I overanalyze and overthink things. I think to some extent, and I’ve talked about this on the blog before, is that the D/s dynamics were very important when we weren’t married because it gave our relationship structure and definition outside of what a marriage would provide. Getting married provided an entirely new structure and definition, which in some ways, trumped what the D/s relationship was providing for us.

In the past, if we ever shifted away from our D/s dynamics, if I ever dropped the ball, L would act out, effectively pulling me right back in again to set matters straight. Usually in the bedroom Usually with her bent over the bed. Usually with pain.

L doesn’t act out anymore, though from time to time she will push my buttons just to see how I will react. On Christmas night, after one of our long over due brief but effective sessions, and after I had thoroughly fucked her, she lay back in bed wearing a perfect for the holidays red negligee (which just by wearing that woke up the beast in me) and said “It seems a shame to have a sex toy when you don’t use her properly.”

Button pushed. But also, a good point. Why own a sex toy if you don’t treat her as one?

That’s not to say we haven’t been having good sex. We have been having great sex. With me off work this last week, a lot of that good sex has been happening in the mornings. Not necessarily BDSM or kinky sex. Just a good hard fucking, the covers pulled up over us in case a child happens to make their way into the bedroom. A good hard satisfying fuck that leaves us both worn out afterwards and ready for a morning nap.

The fact that the D/s has not been there as of late doesn’t mean it has disappeared altogether. Those same thoughts and cravings I have are still there, and while they might not be there as much as they used to be, they are still there. But you go for awhile without acting upon them, it is difficult to veer back towards them in one fell swoop. For both parties involved.

L will admit, as she did the other night, that she is not as conditioned as she used to be when things were at their most intense. Sessions that would have barely resulted in a whimper before cause her pain now. Her breasts, once a subject of my physical attention on a regular basis, are sensitive to the slightest touch these days. Getting back into it would have to be a gradual…and consistent….process.

Those cravings are there.

For both of us.

I will look over at her lying in bed next to me at night, especially when she is wearing a special outfit for me, and I want nothing more than to nestle my head between her legs and leave hard an deliberate bite marks into her inner thighs before I plunge into her cunt with my tongue. I will look at the outline of her cleavage under whatever she is wearing and I want to yank it down, revealing her breasts to me, those breasts that she claims are so sensitive, and I want to twist them and punch them, and leave the same bite marks in them that I did with her inner thigh.

I want to wrap my hands around her neck and choke her, controlling her breath.

Punches to the ass. Flogging. Beating. Lashing. Those urges are still there, quite intense at times, but tend to be the wrong times..too late at night, kids awake, etc. Sometimes those urges can’t be acted upon, so we just simply fuck.

Did I mention that we fuck well, even with out all of “that”?

So that is what we are doing, and with a new year just a few days away, and me just the being the way that I am, I’ll be giving this a lot more thought. Come May 2017 and it will be our fifth anniversary as a D/s couple and, later in May, will be our one year anniversary as husband and wife. S and L…husband and wife, Dominant and submissive. There’s no reason it has to be one over the other, it’s finding that right balance between the two.