Friday, September 21, 2012

"Shit mountain"

I asked L to write something up about how things have been going from her perspective, and, in particular, to comment on a maintenance session we had the other night that was by far the most intense yet since entering the D/s relationship.

As you can see from S's postings that we have been through a lot lately and are still standing on the top of shit mountain.  I was hoping that the new dynamic of our relationship would help us and for the most part it has.  I had to leave town yet again for a week and while gone I was the decision maker.  When I got back home it was hard to get back into the groove, S was stressed as usual and wasn't feeling very Masterful.  I could tell and it made me feel neglected over time.  I for sure don't want to add to his stress or seem needy so just kept quiet, see what happens.  Then of course he works a lot, is tired most evenings and his back had been acting up, so there is that also.  When we did spend time together it was so....vanilla.  Like a normal couple.......which is fine, for some.  I threw out there several times that we should just be a "normal" couple as I thought that the pressure of having to be my Master was just too much (I had been acting out a bit mostly wanting attention but once I saw just how down he was, I stopped).  
In a previous post, when asked what was one of my favorite things about D/s it was that there were no doubts.  How do you serve someone who has huge doubts about themselves?  Makes it hard sometimes.  S has said before that he cannot control a lot of the aspects of his life and that being able to come home to me and know that he can be in control there was a good thing.  So how am I suppose to feel when he comes home and does not control anything?  Confused, wanting attention...the list could go on.
I have been spanked many times by S and most of it fell under the punishment category and did nothing but hurt.  Yesterday was the first time he spanked me for a period of time and not so hard.  Wow.  I swear at the end of it he could have caned me.  It was just what we needed.  Don't get me wrong, we still have a lot to work on....we haven't been communicating as much as we should for one thing.  We have no consistency....sometimes I get in trouble for something and other times it's overlooked, shit like that.  But we are aware and are working on it.  I know being D/s is helping though and trust S completely.  I'm sure we wont be on top of shit mountain forever!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Other D Word

I’m going to switch gears from the usual postings and delve into a matter that is somewhat more personal than anything mentioned here before. In part, to see if there might be other D’s out there with somewhat similar issues that might be able to respond, either via email or to this posting.

I suffer from clinical depression. I have for many years and have only come to terms with it and been able to admit to myself (reluctantly) and others that I do have it.  I have taken steps to deal with it and have sought help when I needed help.  It has affected and impacted many areas of my life, from my professional career to personal relationships.

It’s not an easy thing to admit to as a male. It’s particularly not an easy thing to admit to as a Dominant in a D/s relationship because the feelings of depression are so contrary (IMHO)  to how a Dominant should be. It is not easy sometimes to be the stern and confident Master that my pet expects of me when I am dealing with lack of self-esteem and feelings of anxiety and unshakeable sadness. Having said that, having L give herself to me in the manner that she has does help me with my confidence, and when she is fully submitting herself to me I feel more confident and stronger than ever.  Granted, we have had some challenges between the two of us and moments in our relationship that have been downright tumultuous. There are some factors outside of our relationship yet still connected to us quite closely that affect things, but it does always seem when we are together everything is right with the world.

I write this now because that other D word..depression…is rearing its ugly head with me right now and I know myself well enough to know there is more to come. I am two weeks away from a career that I have worked 20 years for coming to an end, with no replaceable employment on the close horizon.  There is a lot associated with that for me and what it means, the big one being that it greatly impacts my desire to be a provider and caregiver. I have a life with L and her children that we are getting underway, and I want to be a good provider for them…be someone she can be proud of and know that she has me for support. I have two young children from my first marriage who live with their mom 3,200 miles away from me, and the substantial child support they get from me allows for things such as a roof over their heads.  I take pride in being able, wanting to help others, and with this career loss, my ability to do that is hugely impacted…and it erodes away at what I feel it means to be a man. Tears away at me like nothinge else.

I wish it were just that. The distance from my children is painful at times, and I have only recently come to accept the fact that they most likely will never be a daily part of my life. Being a father is something I take pride in and adds to my feelings of what it means to be a man, so that is being impacted as well. I have no family anywhere close to me, nor do I really remain in contact with my family, so despite my closeness with L and her family, there are times when that realization makes me feel so incredibly alone. There are other bits and pieces in there, and thrown altogether, they make one for gigantic mess that, at times, make me lose hope that it will all be ok in the end.

It’s painful and scary times.  The moments of peace come in bed with L, with her collar on, my hand grabbing the back of her hair, her fully submitting herself to me. During those times, the darkness fades away.  I need her, and she needs me right now, and anymore, that is about all I know.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

New Purchase, Part II

Here is L's response to how the experiment went. I think in any D/s relationship, there has to be a sense of humor involved if things don't sometimes go as planned.

Hmmm, lets see.  I did end up going out with one in and it wasn't bad at all.  There is of course a story as to why it was only one.  They would not stay in no matter what I tried.  I have excellent muscle control (can still push out a tampon) and do kegels all the thoughtyay, what fun.  Not so much.  I think that if you wore super tight jeans they may stay in just by being held there.  I was getting desperate in my desire to please S and was worried I wouldn't be able to do this so lay down and pushed them in as far as they would go.  Stood up and out pops one.....only one.  Ugh, I'm checking the bed and all over as I can't feel if the damn thing is still in or not.  I take a shower and try to find it.  Reminds me of mars in there, the red planet.....ugh.  I can feel the tip and am reassured that yes, it is still there but I can't reach it.  Ugh.  No time so just put it out of my mind and go out.  I have to pee and think for sure it will pop out then.....nope.  It worried me all evening.  What if S can't reach it?  What if I end up at the emergency room?  Then I was worried about him digging up in there....loads of worries.  Thankfully he was able to find it and reach it with his super long fingers and all was good.  I wouldn't recommend shoving them up to no mans land but for use in the bedroom or for interesting kegels they would work just fine.