To those who have read our blog over the last year and a half, you know that there have been external factors that have had a significant impact on mine and L's relationship. There has been her husband, whom she has been estranged from for years now, who has been dying of cancer, and there has been my separation from my boys.
This will not be a lengthy post. I simply want to say that this afternoon the father of L's children passed away.
Though all knew this was coming, there is a tremendous amount of sadness in the household this evening. And will be for days to come. As one can imagine. L has talked about the abuse in her marriage before on this blog, but none of this matters now as three boys, whom I have come to love and take care of as if they were my own, struggle to understand and accept why this happened.
This has nothing to do with the past, it is about the present, and about grief and sorrow, and moving forward. I am a man with a big heart, and I feel and absorb their sadness, and look for ways to help them through this. I want to be the stabilizing factor that keeps them afloat and able to move forward, while, at the same time, giving them the space they need to grieve.
Long before I became a Dominant, I have always had the White Knight Syndrome, of wanting to be rescuer and provider, the one who brings peace and security to people I love and care for when times and turbulent.
I want to do that and will do that. At the same time, it makes me reflect on my own relationship with my boys. And my relationship with my father. You see, this is my downfall. I have a tendency to over think. As of late, L has asked me why I am so quiet, and I don't even realize I am quiet, because in my mind, things are vocal and loud.
This posting is becoming longer than I planned. I guess, for those of you who read this and follow our story, if you could take some time in whatever manner you choose --- prayer, happy thoughts, etc. --- to send kind vibrations towards the North to help the people that I love in their moment of grief, it would be much appreciated.
All the best,