I’m going to switch gears from the usual postings and delve into a matter that is somewhat more personal than anything mentioned here before. In part, to see if there might be other D’s out there with somewhat similar issues that might be able to respond, either via email or to this posting.
I suffer from clinical depression. I have for many years and have only come to terms with it and been able to admit to myself (reluctantly) and others that I do have it. I have taken steps to deal with it and have sought help when I needed help. It has affected and impacted many areas of my life, from my professional career to personal relationships.
It’s not an easy thing to admit to as a male. It’s particularly not an easy thing to admit to as a Dominant in a D/s relationship because the feelings of depression are so contrary (IMHO) to how a Dominant should be. It is not easy sometimes to be the stern and confident Master that my pet expects of me when I am dealing with lack of self-esteem and feelings of anxiety and unshakeable sadness. Having said that, having L give herself to me in the manner that she has does help me with my confidence, and when she is fully submitting herself to me I feel more confident and stronger than ever. Granted, we have had some challenges between the two of us and moments in our relationship that have been downright tumultuous. There are some factors outside of our relationship yet still connected to us quite closely that affect things, but it does always seem when we are together everything is right with the world.
I write this now because that other D word..depression…is rearing its ugly head with me right now and I know myself well enough to know there is more to come. I am two weeks away from a career that I have worked 20 years for coming to an end, with no replaceable employment on the close horizon. There is a lot associated with that for me and what it means, the big one being that it greatly impacts my desire to be a provider and caregiver. I have a life with L and her children that we are getting underway, and I want to be a good provider for them…be someone she can be proud of and know that she has me for support. I have two young children from my first marriage who live with their mom 3,200 miles away from me, and the substantial child support they get from me allows for things such as a roof over their heads. I take pride in being able, wanting to help others, and with this career loss, my ability to do that is hugely impacted…and it erodes away at what I feel it means to be a man. Tears away at me like nothinge else.
I wish it were just that. The distance from my children is painful at times, and I have only recently come to accept the fact that they most likely will never be a daily part of my life. Being a father is something I take pride in and adds to my feelings of what it means to be a man, so that is being impacted as well. I have no family anywhere close to me, nor do I really remain in contact with my family, so despite my closeness with L and her family, there are times when that realization makes me feel so incredibly alone. There are other bits and pieces in there, and thrown altogether, they make one for gigantic mess that, at times, make me lose hope that it will all be ok in the end.
It’s painful and scary times. The moments of peace come in bed with L, with her collar on, my hand grabbing the back of her hair, her fully submitting herself to me. During those times, the darkness fades away. I need her, and she needs me right now, and anymore, that is about all I know.