Thursday, January 9, 2014

safe & secure (from L)

S has given me a writing assignment for today....the first in a long long time.   Here it is: So I think it is time for you to contribute to the blog again, been ages since I have had you write anything. Time for a little introspective on how you feel things are right now with us and our dynamics. Where do you think you are as my submissive right now. Take a look back at what you wrote around this time last year for ideas of what you did then  (it was quite good). I would like this done sometime today.
Last year at this time I believe I said that we resided at the top of Shit Mountain.  We kinda were.  S was between jobs, the restaurant where he worked nights was closed for a month.  We had just had my ex here for Christmas which was a bit of a hell on earth for the most part.  We were struggling with money....with us....with him....with life.  You know, Shit Mountain.
I had been living in fear for a long long time.  Even before my ex was diagnosed with the cancer, I was scared.  I stayed with him for years because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.  Then after he was told he would die, that brought a whole new fear of him taking me with him.  One day when he was here.....after being diagnosed.....he was using my car and had picked me up at work.  I had ran an errand that day and he knew about it and refused to believe that it was work related (now mind you, we were not even together and had not been for two years) and drove the car like a mad he would crash with me in it. 
After that last visit at Christmas, S moved his things in for the last time.  I still took the boys to see their dad as much as possible but never allowed him back in the house.  He died two months ago today.  It was a horrible way to go.  He never changed one bit....I honestly thought he would towards the end.  My boys are fine for the most part.  Things did not change in their lives and I have always taken care of them.
So I guess one of the biggest changes in my life right now is I no longer live in fear.  One of the things threats I always had was he would burn the house down (with us in it, I have clue) but the threat would keep me up at nights listening if I heard something.  If you have ever lived in constant fear, you would know that it is HUGE when it is gone.  I feel safe, secure....taken care of and no fear.
S of course went right to work at a good job and just today it was announced in the local paper his even better job.  We had a really great holidays and filled our home with family, friends and loads of food.  We shopped together, decorated our tree.....and we have blended into a really good family unit.  My children love S and he them.  Things are just really really good.
As for behind closed doors....that is really really good as well. 
As for Shit Mountain.....that's just a place I used to know.

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