Monday, August 27, 2012

Dishonesty

I've read on several blogs and websites how no Dominant is perfect, how mistakes will be made along the way as that is how it goes in any relationship, and a D/s relationship is no different.

I made a big mistake this weekend that I am having a hard time with because I consider it one of those ones that, as a D, I just should have known better and it is an inexcusable one in my book. Last Friday I required, as a punishment, for L to complete a writing assignment where she had to write "I will always respond to my Master's memo of the day." 125 times. She hates writing assignments like this, thus making it a rather effective punishment. Her instructions were to have it ready for me by the time I got home later that night.

She completed the assignment and had it in the nightstand on my side of the bed and I forgot to check it when I got off of work late that night. In part, I trusted that she had completed it in the manner I had directed and didn't need to check it. Still, it was important that I should have checked it. I didn't do it the next nigh either.

Here is where I made the big mistake. On Friday night L asked me if I had checked it and, I suppose mainly because I was so embarrassed that I hadn't, I said yes, I had checked it. It was an outright lie. One of the worst things, in my mind, that a D could do in a D/s relationship, because of the level of trust that a sub needs to have  with her Dominant. The next day (Saturday) we were doing something in the bedroom and L looked inside the drawer where she found her assignment, still contained within the envelope. 

"You lied to me!" she said to me, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond...I apologized with my face about as red as it could get, then opened the envelope and checked it over. We didn't talk about it for the rest of the weekend, though it was always on the forefront of my mind as I wrestled with what I should do abut it.

Below is the email exchange from L and I this morning:

L: Still can't believe you lied to me.

Me: I know, and I am embarrassed as hell that I did and know how really, really wrong that was. Not even sure why I did it...was embarrassed that I hadn't checked yet. 

I am truly sorry about that. I really am. It was a big mistake to do that, and I live up to it.

Me: I have been stewing on that all weekend...meant to bring it up. Being dishonest like that is wrong in any relationship, but as your D, it is especially wrong. I promise you with all of my heart that it will never happen again, ok?

L: Yeah.  Such a silly thing to lie about and you did it so well.  Makes me wonder what else you have lied about or what in the future. I think that you get lying is never good..........especially with me.

I am absolutely torn up over this, and it is not the typical male reaction that I feel bad I got caught, I feel bad over what I did...that I did something so foolish that would cause the person who means more to me than anyone in the world to possibly not trust me, especially given that trust is the pinnacle of any relationship, but particular a D/s. Especially ours, because L suffered through a great deal of dishonesty in her marriage.

L and I always manage to work though things together...there have been quite a few things we have worked through in our relationship, going back to before we became D/s. I want to make this right again, to bring my pet back into being able to fully and completely trust me again. 

I'm sick to my stomach right now over this and would really like to get advice from other Doms on this.





5 comments:

  1. I know you asked for Dom opinions, but I thought I'd throw my 2 cents out there...

    Stuff like this happens. It sucks, but, sometimes, we, as people, screw up.

    My Master caught me in a lie one time. It was a stupid lie, and, like you, I'm not even sure why I did it, except that I was embarrassed and trying to save face.

    It made Him not trust me for a while. If I said I'd done something, He'd check to make sure I really had--and He questioned whether or not I'd been lying about other important things, too.

    It was a hard time for us, but, eventually, I was able to earn His trust back by proving that this wasn't a common occurrence...just a one-time screw-up.

    Understandably, L is probably feeling hurt and confused right now...but if your relationship is really strong, I'm sure you can gain the trust back. It might take some time, but I wouldn't worry overmuch about it. Things will work themselves back out, as long as you make it a priority to be honest with her from here on out...

    ~Bre

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  2. Even a small lie can have a huge impact. This is one of those things that sucks. I hope something will turn around and things will get better.

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  3. I think maybe you lied to protect her feelings that would have been hurt if she knew that after she'd worked so hard on this thing that you hadn't even looked at it. So it's an understandable lie. It won't happen again, because next time you'll look at the work she handed in for you, and if for some reason your looking it over is delayed, you'll let her know.

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  4. My husband's suggestion was to write something sweet but still assertive in keeping your place, a certain amount of times and give it to her.
    Because it shows a shared experience in the punishment, how you feel about her, and isn't something that undermines you as the Dominant.

    And my two cents...
    For me, when he is apologetic but assertive about his mistakes, it is easier for me to believe in him. Because he's showing me that he still believes in himself.
    When your word becomes the law that another person lives by, that word becomes extremely important. Now you really realize how important what you say is, and you can both find a way for it to help make your dynamic stronger over time.

    I hope you don't mind me adding my two or three cents, and hope that you both feel back in a really good place soon.

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  5. Thanks to everyone for your comments. Hearing from subs on this matter was actually better than hearing from a D. We have managed to move on past this already, are back in a good place, and have both recognized the situation for what it was.

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