We have had some interesting and somewhat unsettling time in our household as of late. Ever since our magical anniversary trip, we had some turbulence in our relationship due to somewhat of a shift in power dynamics while we were gone. But L and I are excellent travelers, and whenever we have turbulence in our relationship, we always manage to find a way to buckle our seatbelts, listen closely to what our inner-pilots are telling us to do, fly through the storm, and get back on course to sunny skies.
The world that we live in behind our closed and locked bedroom doors is where it all comes together. Always has been that way, actually, even before we immersed ourselves with a mighty cannonball jump into the D/s pool. That has even been moreso as of late. As I wrote in the last post, our spanking sessions are going on longer and longer. And L has been going deeper and deeper into the throes of subspace, and once she is there, the desire for...more of everything...is at its absolute strongest.
Such was the case Sunday night where things started at around 11p.m. after the young one was tucked in bed. An ass was raised expectantly in the air, a cane was retrieved from the closet...and so the dance began. Spanking, caressing, spanking caressing...inspecting for wetness...repeat. From there, on to stroking, sucking. Fucking. Repeat.
11p.m. turned into midnight, and the minutes and activities continued to tick away from there. L was out of it, ready and wanting everything. I kept the situation under control and didn't get lost myself, being mindful of her needs but also realizing that at some point, things had to stop and she needed to come out of her zone and go to sleep so that Monday morning wasn't any torturous then it was. Around 1a.m., I brought things to a close. Said this was enough for the night.
She wanted more though.
But she wasn't in control.
And in the light of the day on Monday, she had a moment of weakness.
I had sent her a text and an email somewhat teasing her about how she was the night before, along the lines of being surprised at how far she was willing to go, saying that I wish I could videotape her sometime so she could see what I see when she gets into that subspace zone...and how much I really, really like it.
Unfortunately, my words had the wrong effect on her and made her feel like she was dirty...nasty...for reacting the way she did. That it was wrong.
That it wasn't normal.
Things got a little out of hand from there.
L started questioning everything about her submissiveness and the BDSM aspect of our relationship, saying that she didn't want to do this anymore, that she wanted to just be...normal. I tried everything I could to counsel her, to let her know how there is no reason to classify what we do as being normal or abnormal, it really doesn't matter...what matters is that it makes us happy, it is our true selves, it is happening between two consenting adults who love and trust each other...etc., etc. Found a couple of good blogs talking about the benefits of pain that I sent her.
But I wasn't able to get through.
We ended up having a quiet evening in bed, watching television together, talking about it somewhat but not that much. She was confused, and I wasn't sure how to get through to her. Our evening ended in a quite vanilla way, turning the tv off and wishing each other good night and going to sleep. Had we been in two separate beds, we would have been akin to a 1950s tv sitcom couple...
Yesterday morning picked right up and we had a talk about it before she went to work. "Pretty sure I could go forever without ever being spanked again," she said. Told me that I would get used to this change. But even as she said those things, I could tell that there was a part of her that was simply confused and that perhaps what she was saying wasn't how she truly felt.
Still, I felt like my world had been rocked. As her car pulled out of the driveway, I exasperatedly though to myself, "Well, now what in the fuck do I do?"
Because what she said I could get used to would be something that I really didn't think I could get used to.
Twenty minutes later she arrived at work and I got her "At work now Sir" text that she is required to give, which surprised me, because I didn't think that was going to happen anymore than I did the other things she is required to do on a daily basis.
That text was followed by apologies and perhaps the most important message out of all of them, one saying "We do need this now more than ever. I'm sorry. I just need to accept who I am I guess."
We worked it out from there.
That evening's session was a fairly intense one, as you can imagine. After I put the youngest to bed, L was kneeling on the bedroom floor before me, her head down and her collar one. Apologizing profusely. I had already accepted her apology earlier in the day, and at one point she told me she deserved to be punished for her actions. I disagreed. She slipped, had a moment of weakness, and was honest about it. To punish her for being honest would simply be wrong.
However, the night before she did not text me before leaving work and did not have my glass of water at my bedside, so those matters were dealt with with her kneeling over the bed and me spanking her with a bamboo stick I purchased from Home Depot.
From there we moved on...to the sucking, the fucking, the hair pulling. You know...TTWD.
Things were....back to normal.