Thursday, April 18, 2013

The million dollar question..

L and I were lying in bed this afternoon after a very good, hardcore pounding session where we were as loud as we wanted to be. The flogger was lying on the bed next to her and she picked it up and whipped it a few times across my bare leg.

"I think you need to feel the same things I do so you are more aware of what I am going through when you do it to me," she said.

She has brought this up before. I have always disagreed.

A Dom doesn't need to feel the same things his sub does in a session because that is why the roles are clearly defined. The Dom delivers, the sub receives. Were there switching involved then there would be efforts to balance the feelings and sensations, but in a strict D/s relationship, it is not needed. I gauge how these actions make L feel by her reaction to them, whether it be the sounds she makes or the marks it leave on her.

I could just tell L that is how it is, end of discussion, but she is curious to her what others think, particularly other Doms who might be doing exactly what she is suggesting, allowing their sub to try various spanking implements on him so he knows exactly what she is feeling.

So I am honoring her request and throwing it out there to blog world.

Thoughts on this?

Add your comments below, or simply respond to the survey on the right.

Personally, I think this has a little more to do with L wanting me to experience what she is experiencing. I think that after a year of being beaten, flogged and spanked, my dear sweet submissive pet is secretly wanting to be handed the cane, even for just a few minutes, for a little bit of payback...


  1. What I had said was, I wanted S to know exactly I am submitting too when we do TTWD. Maybe I am wording it wrong, I wanted him to appreciate how much I go through to please him. Perhaps by enduring a bit of the cane, only then could he truly appreciate my submission. Truly see it as the gift it is.

    Any thoughts......

  2. My story is too long to try to explain, but I have spanked my husband. What I learned is that being the spanker is more complicated than you think, there is much more involved than simply striking the bottom.
    Having been the recipient, he has learned to become a very effective spanker. I understand where your L is coming from.. it isn't payback at all. This could be a wonderful gift for you to give her. Even if it's only one time... :)

  3. From a practical standpoint, I think all Doms should have an understanding of how each instrument feels. Because while they may be able to read the sub's reactions, a true understanding is lacking. Is it stingy, thuddy, both? Does the overall sensation change after so long? What is it like physically, mentally, emotionally to be tied up and blindfolded?

    I see it as part of understanding the sub and the overall impact of what's being done.

    I Top during scenes on occasion and I will never use anything that I haven't experienced myself. I've been practicing with rope and I am my test subject before I will tie anyone else up.

    Now this doesn't mean L needs to be the one giving you said experiences, lol. I fully appreciate you not wanting to upset that power exchange.

    I will say this though. By simply Topping in scenes, I have a much better appreciation for what all you Doms do. It has given me insight and I think allowed me to be a better submissive. That being said, I could never Top a Dominant, especially not my own. *shudders*

  4. Wolf usually tests the implements he uses on me first but only on his hand, in the air, or against a surface (like the bed). He does this not to understand what it would be like to submit to it, but rather so he appreciates the instrument's feel, how to wield it, what level of pain it might cause.

    Even if he did have an actual taste of it from someone else, I doubt it would be too helpful. Everyone has different pain tolerances. Some subs can take only a touch of the hand before they scream and others love to be beaten with the cane for hours. Also, I am guessing many sadists would simply not feel pain in the same way as a masochistic sub does.

    Personally, I would never want him to endure even a little bit of what I do because that would seem like switching to me. (And maybe keeping my own experiences sacred is a little part of the allure for me). There is nothing wrong with switching, it's just not for us.

    I think the bottom line is if you both feel comfortable with trying it on you, that's fine. But I don't think it's necessary to have a beautiful working dynamic.

    love, squirrel

  5. I think a Dom should experience the feeling otherwise he's in the dark. It's not enough to just gauge her reactions in my opinion. I've read many accounts of Doms who try their instruments out on themselves first just so that they do know. Not just to make sure you don't do it too hard or to ensure that you don't cause harm but also because its helpful to know where more might be needed as well. Of course I'm of the mind that one can't manage properly without fully understanding and carrying out the duties of the people one is managing. Not everyone agrees with that philosophy but I believe the best managers and Doms are the ones that truly understand how it feels to be in the lesser position.

  6. I do not know enough about the lifestyle to give an experienced comment. I can say that recently I was given the option to somewhat return the favor for something that was done to me. I personally am excited for this experience for the same reason L allow him to see exactly what I do for him. Not to switch power but to provide insight on both of our parts. It will be a learning experience for both of you but I suppose discussing if this is one time only or not should be a topic of conversation. Have fun!

  7. I have a few thoughts, the first is I read recently "a good Dom can never rest upon his laurels, he has to be keen and observant at almost all times," and I thought these were wise words. They spoke to me of a Dom who is learning to go beyond the normal in an attempt to learn everything he can about his new craft. I wonder what he would think of a Dom that is not willing to try and experience to be better.

    My second though is this post I felt said volumes for what was not written as much as for what was. I wonder about the title, why is this a million dollar question, it would appear L thinks it is a simple request, she has brought it up several times even though she has been shut down. In my experience a sub who keeps asking has something on her mind and instead of defending your position you should seek to understand hers.

    So that must mean it is a million dollar question to you. So I think maybe you need to do some more investigation about your feeling around it. There is an issue of power and how you perceive
    it and how you think others perceive it at play here. If it is a simple exercise in learning the effect certain tools have then I would say yes and be surprised at a Dom who says no.

    I don't think you have to try them to be good (I truly believe it helps though and I have) but I do think you need to be clear on why you won't and I am the Dom and you are the sub and that's the way it is would not be good enough for me, so I can understand why it is not for L. Switching for experience does make you a switch nor does it mean you have given up any power. The same rules apply, you lead she follows, you both learn. As Doms we often tell subs the journey is not easy and the truth is the same applies to us and we must push our own limits and our own thinking.

  8. I can't even imagin me spanking my Master. I think that it would be bigger chalenge for me than for Him. But...

    I also think that Master, who try it up (not necesserly with your sub) would understand it better and stronger than if he didn't.

    But in my opinion it should be an experience located out of your relationship. Especially if you relation in exact D/s - at common life and sex...

    I hope that my English was clear to understand.

  9. Take what squirrel said and what Sir J said, whirl it around in a blender for a while, and you have my response.

    My husband has NO pain tolerance. None. I have hit him with our softest flogger (he wanted to know what it felt like before he hit me with it) and he has yelped and said "you WANT me to hit you with that?"

    He has proceeded to do so, for many many minutes, while I arched into it gloriously because it feels amazing and doesn't hurt me at ALL.

    So, you may try them on yourself, or have L do it, and I do recommend it because it can give you some idea - BUT, you can't truly experience what she does because you are not her. It may hurt her a lot more or less than it does you - everyone is wired a little differently. I think a healthy dose of judging by her reactions ALONG with knowing what an implement feels like to you is the best course of action.

  10. I think it's good for both to try each role at least once. That's what we do in my D/S relationship and that way we can both see what it takes for each of us, and how much connection, understanding and love is really there from both sides :) I love it. I'm not a Dom by nature at all but now I can see it from his view. Allows me to trust him fully (not that I didn't before, but you get what I mean).

  11. Hello,
    To begin one of my least favourite words is, "should". It prickles me tremendously. With that said I would not want to do to Master what he does to me. Even in jest. But that is what works for us. I want him aware of his strength and to understand me when I say something is too hard or genuinely hurting me nearing harm. I expect and hold him accountable for taking responsibility should he go to far and to to accept my response even if it is not favourable. In turn I offer myself and give him 100% trust. It is our exchange and works best for us.

    I do not have to control/own someone to know I do not want to. I go by my tummy speak, gut instinct. And Master does the same.

    Whatever works individually, that to me seems best.

    Much warmth,