Monday, April 21, 2014

The Imperfect Dom

I wish I could say I don't make mistakes.

I wish I could start this posting by telling you I do not say things, do things, that hurt L. I wish I could tell you I am a man of few flaws, who does not have moments where he screws up.

I suppose if I could say all of that, I would not be human.

But still.

I should not say or do things that hurt L.

But I did.

Where to begin. It was an off week last week for us. I was, once again, busy and stressed with things at work. I was dealing with some emotional issues and internal struggles that had to do with my own children, who live with their mom about 3,000 miles from me.  L was doing all that was required of her, but something seemed to be off with her. There were a few times during the week she slipped and didn't do all that she was required. Some of the things she couldn't do because she had been without a cell phone for more than a week, and that impacted things like texting me when she leaves and arrives the office, etc.

L confessed to me at one point last week that she felt bored, not necessarily with what we did in the bedroom, but just in general, the day to day routine of couples who work, work, work, and come home, and clean house, and entertain children. We decided to shake things up a bit, and are planning a trip out of town this weekend, just to the two of us....and my box of tricks.

It's too bad that trip didn't happen sooner.

What can I say, here...I met up with L Friday evening at the local bar, somewhat soured and frustrated with what I outlined above. I was tired and cranky, so the best choice for me would have been to just go home. Or to have left my troubles at the door. I brought them inside the bar with me, and my mood didn't improve as the evening when on and the beers were consumed. At one point I saw something happen out of the corner of my eye that I took out of context, and I walked up to L and said something to her I wish I hadn't said.

She stormed out, I followed. We were in separate cars. I went home, she didn't right away, but then did, and we argued, and she left again. I sent her some angry texts. She came back, and we argued a little more, but then we just stopped, and we talked and talked about different things, and went to sleep without anything.

The next morning we woke up, Saturday...our day to sleep in. We slept in a little, and talked some more about other things, some things with my kids that I was dealing with, some things about us. We had makeup sex. Then we went about our Easter weekend, shopping and getting the house ready, coloring eggs, making baskets. Saturday night came, and we had a pretty good session, then did our big Easter celebration, and had another session last night. Not much was really said of Friday.

But it was there, and as we made our way into Monday...back to reality, it came back up. It had never really left. I had hurt L with my words...and it was my words that meant the most to her...and it was ugly. L tried to forget, but by the end of the day, she admitted to me it was hard, and that she was still hurt.

Which I knew. And hated. Hated that I caused that. No worse feeling that hurting the ones you love. In particular, a relationship such as ours where I should be the protector. The safety net. The one who holds L, with large hands around her, making sure she knows that everything is going to be ok.

I suppose a perfect Dom would always do that, but I am the imperfect Dom. Inside of me there is a dark side, maybe just a little sliver, but dark nonetheless. For the most part, I reveal that darkness through what L describes as my twisted side that she loves. That's a healthy release of it. The other release...not so much. Not for anyone. Not for me. And certainly not for L.

I do know we will be ok. We always are. You people have read this blog, the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations. We leave on our vacation in three days, and even though it is just a road trip in the state, it will be the first time she and I have been alone for awhile, our first time alone since some significant changes in our lives, and the first break I will have taken since I started my new job in January. We will have fun. We will laugh and talk, eat too much food, drink too much. We will make good use of the hotel room and no children. Neglected items in the box of tricks will be utilized.

But still.

I should not say or do things that hurt L.

But I did.

And really, really, really wish I had not.




10 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. It is not easy to be confronted with our faults and even more difficult to admit them openly and take responsibility for them. I appreciate your raw honestly. This lifestyle isn't all whips and chains, but encompasses an array of emotions that somehow feel deeper because of what we do. I hope that this weekend is a great time of healing and reconnecting for you and L. Enjoy one another.

    hugs
    p

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharing hugs for both of you. These things happen to everyone, I guess, no matter what relationship style you have. I think the weekend away sounds like just the thing. Have fun!

    ReplyDelete
  3. aw man (((hugs))) i'm sorry that happened. Looks like you have some good insight and awareness on how and why it happened, and how to prevent it happening again.

    You know, what's really important in my opinion is not whether these incidents happen, but what you do next - how you deal with it. Sounds like you have great strategies in place - talking, talking, and trying again! xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's not easy to admit when ones wrong :( and being honest and true to people you don't know (blog peeps). Everyone makes mistakes it's how we handle them. A weekend away might refresh both of you . I think remembering our relationships are different then most and we need to remember to be tender in our actions is hard when human emotions take over . You took ownership of your faults and that my friend is not easy . Thank you for sharing the good and bad of being a Dom. ~ D

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry this happened with you guys. But as you stated, you are human. I think the fact that you recognize the mistake and what led up to it means that you are less likely to repeat it in the future, which of course is the point. But even though L was hurt by your remark, I bet she feels safe and comforted knowing how it affected you, because it shows great character, love and strength to a sub when a dom messes up and really takes it to heart. Happy vacation :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope you don't mind that I'm going to repeat the comment you left on my blog--it is just so fitting I can't help myself...

    "Those days are going to happen. They will happen in a D/s relationship just as they will a vanilla relationship. It doesn't matter about TTWD, there are emotions, we are people, and so on, and so forth. The underlying principle of communication holds true in these circumstances more than ever. Be strong. Be patient. Persevere. And things will seem good again."

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for having the guts to share the bad as well as the good. I'm sure L knows how much you care for her.

    ReplyDelete
  8. There is no such thing as a perfect Dom. Admitting your flaws and your imperfections, if what makes not only a good Dom, but a good person. A good partner. Like you said, you two will get through it, and hopefully it will end up bringing you closer than ever when you do.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've been hurt by one's words before and I have to tell you that what hurt me the most is that he never apologized, never cared that he hurt me. In my opinion there is nothing more beautiful than a man who recognizes his human errors and a man who genuinely cares....hugs to you both!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Words. They do hit harder than a fist. Everytime I've ever been hit it just pissed me off. This was horrible. Embarassing....was said in front of my late husbands friends. I felt like I was hit....hard. Then the texts. And the bad thing is, he really meant it at the time. What he called me was what he considered me. It is the exact same words I was called many times over. I feel so much doubt right now. Maybe thats what I am if everyone I ever cared about say so. I doubt my morals....my decisions......myself right now. I feel that being submissive to anyone is also tied to what he called me. Perhaps if I were more reserved I would get some respect??? I just dont know. I know S has thrown his apology words out there but if I believe them then shouldnt I believe his other words also?

    ReplyDelete