...clearly have to be made, and quickly. L revealed to me this morning, as we laid together naked in her bed, my hand rubbing her back, that things felt normal, that it felt like we were equal. I suspect there are no words more stabbing for a D's sense of power then to have his sub state that she felt like she was his "equal", and my entire body bristled when she revealed that to me. It wasn't any statement that needed a punishment, she was being honest and it wasn't her fault that she felt like she was my equal. She doesn't have the power, I do. Still, I get the sense that she is somewhat enjoying pushing my buttons, responding with smart ass comments to see what my reaction will be.
Last night at dinner I slipped. One of the rules is that she cannot begin eating without my permission, and last night we sat down to dinner I completely forgot about it. She took a bite out of a beet, realized her error, and quickly looked up at me. Had she continued eating without saying anything, I most likely would have forgotten altogether until later that night, when really, it would have been too late. So I let that one go. Looking back, I realize that was a grave mistake, and if I am forgetting rules so quickly, well, this won't work.
Yesterday was our first day back into "reality" after spending the weekend together. We both went back to work, and L confessed after work as she got home and began cooking my dinner and following some of the directives I had given her, that it was hard to transition into this after being in her office all day. Add to that the demands of children and other nuances of life, it makes the initial training period a challenge. That isn't even factoring in our different personalities and how things were in the relationship prior to this endeavor.
If I could have done things differently, the "training" period would have been one isolated to just the two of us, removed from reality, to where it would be 24/7. A boot camp, of sorts, to where every second of her day was spent focusing on me and responding to my commands. It might sound brutal, but what needs to happen is I need to break L down completely and then build her back up again in the manner that I see fit.
"It feels like we are equals," she said.
Adjustments clearly have to be made, and quickly...